Sunday, June 07, 2009

Ten Things You Missed by Skipping Church

Did you neglect to go to church this Sunday? Do you feel guilty because of it? Well, don’t worry. Here is a countdown of the top ten things you missed by not going to church. They don’t all apply to all churches since each denomination has its own idea of which part of the bible is most important, but you can pick out the ones that seem to apply to your church and go with those.

10 – They sang hymns, the same ones they’ve sung a hundred times before. So pick out your favorite and sing it and you’ll feel better.

9 – Perhaps you missed out on communion. So go get a cracker and some grape juice and pretend to be a cannibal like they do at church. Oh, and don’t forget to bless it or it will just remain bread and juice. The carbs go away only after the blessing when the cracker turns into flesh and the juice into blood. There are no carbs in flesh and blood.

8 – They prayed for the sick. The preacher probably didn’t read about the scientific study they did a couple of years ago that indicated that intercessory prayer made absolutely no difference in whether the people prayed for got any better. But there’s an hour to kill and praying takes up time.

7 – Maybe you missed out on the kids’ church segment, where a church volunteer or the minister calls all the kids down to the altar and tells them a bible story. If it will make you feel better, go gather up a dozen kids from the neighborhood who also missed church and tell them a biblical fairy tale. I’m sure their parents won’t think you’re a pedophile.

6 – They almost always do church announcements. These are important because they let you know when the next food service will be. Call the church secretary on Monday to get the low-down. You don’t want to miss that upcoming chili supper or fish fry.

5 – You probably missed the minister or one of the church elders whining about needing money to repair the roof or build on a new wing to the church. Or maybe the church bus needs repairs. Whatever they need money for, you can thank your lucky stars you missed out on the guilt you would feel for not having contributed to the cause this week.

4 – If you go to a Holy Roller church, you most certainly missed out on the wailing, dancing in the aisles, and speaking loud gibberish. Just calm down and go to a ball game and pick out a team to root for. At least that way you will be screaming and wailing for something you can actually see.

3 – You probably missed the call to the altar. That’s where the preacher calls on members of the congregation who are not yet members of the church to come on down and pledge their allegiance to the Lord. You can still meet them and welcome them to the church community next week. They’ll probably be there for several more weeks before realizing that joining was a bad idea, because now they’re being called on to volunteer for stuff.

2 – Of course, you missed the sermon this week. That’s ok; I’m sure it was something about the bible. Just open your bible and pick something at random. There are only so many stories that can be retold with a new twist. If the verse you picked at random wasn’t this week’s topic, I’m sure it will eventually come up. A sermon is just a way that your preacher has of telling you what the bible means. If you interpret your random selection differently than your preacher would, take heart in the fact that a preacher in some church, somewhere, is preaching a sermon that is more favorable to your interpretation.

1 – And the number one thing you missed out on by skipping church this week was the offering. So take a dollar out of your wallet (You know that is what you always give, right?), and go give it to a bum on the street corner downtown. He’ll use it for beer, but at least he’ll be happy for a minute. The same dollar in the church coffers would only go to help pay the church’s electric bill to keep the church open for another week. But as you’ve just seen, you don’t really need church to be religious; you just need to hold on to your delusions by going through the motions at home.

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